Kaffee dort, Kaffee hier, Kaffee morgens lob ich mir!

Wenn Sebastian23 Kaffee trinkt, neigt er nicht zu Übertreibungen, Übertreibungen neigen sich zu ihm. Wenn ich dagegen 23 Kaffee trinke, werde ich erst lebensfähig.   

Wenn morgens um 05:45 Uhr mein Wecker klingelt, befindet sich mein Gehirn in einem zuckerwatteähnlichen Flauschezustand, völlig außerstande etwaige Informationen zu verarbeiten, geschweige denn, Output zu generieren. Also taste ich hilflos und verzweifelt nach meinem Smartphone, schalte den Wecker aus und blende mich mit dem Display, das mit der Intensität der Sonne strahlt (ca 3,846 × 1026 Watt). Das tue ich nur, um die sofortige Rückkehr ins Reich der Träume zu verhindern, denn ich bin ein Morgenmuffel. Ich komme einfach nicht aus dem Bett. Wenn mein Wecker aus dem Bett heraus erreichbar ist, schalte ich ihn nämlich einfach aus und schlafe weiter. Deshalb steht der Wecker am anderen Ende des Raumes. Eigentlich sollte ich ihn wohl direkt auf die Kaffeemaschine stellen, das würde aber alle anderen in der Wohnung in den Wahnsinn treiben. Also besser nicht.

Wenn ich alle Benachrichtigungen auf meinem Smartphone abgeklappert habe (hauptsächlich “Guten Morgen”-Nachrichten von Menschen, die es täglich schaffen, vor mir aufzustehen), haben sich meine Augen langsam an den Zustand des Geöffnet-Seins oder Nicht-Seins und an den Lichtschein gewöhnt. Langsam schwinge ich meine Beine über die Bettkante, gehe in die Küche und mache mir einen Kaffee. Die Kaffeemaschine selbst ist, wie ich weiß, um diese Uhrzeit ohrenbetäubend laut, also halte ich mir beim Mahlen der Bohnen wohlweislich die Schalen der Ohren zu. Eigentlich sollte ich die Kaffeemaschine mit einer Zeitschaltuhr versehen und direkt neben das Bett stellen. Ich habe aber Angst, dass ich sanft auf den Snooze-Button drücken will und dabei die Kaffeemaschine mit der Faust zermalmen würde. Also bleibt die Kaffeemaschine in der Küche und ich eben öfters mal zu lange im Bett. Aber das nur nebenbei.

Mit dem Kaffee (schwarz wie meine Seele) und einem Lungenbrötchen (das ist eine Zigarette und nein, ich möchte hier nicht das Rauchen loben, ich selbst rauche nur, damit ich cooler aussehe!) bequeme ich mich dann auf den Balkon und begrüße die Sonne, die erst in 2 Stunden aufgehen wird. Fotze! Dann eben den Mond…Ach ne, der ist ja schon unter- und schlafen gegangen.

In dem Moment, in dem das erste Koffein meine Blutbahn betritt, werden meine Sinne geschärft und meine chronische Hyponikotinie bekommt einen akuten Schub. Innerhalb einer Sekunde gehe ich zum Briefkasten, lese die Zeitung erst vorwärts, dann rückwärts und dann diagonal während ich im Handstand zehn Kilometer renne, lege mich ins Bett, stehe wieder auf und bin ausgeschlafen. Koffein, du Kreativ-Katalysator, du Vitamin Wach, du Schlafmangel-Ausgleichs-Nährstoff, mein Schatz! Meine Kohlenstoffketten schlagen Purzelbäume und verknoten sich zu dreidimensionalen Emoticons und, oh, meine Blase drückt. Jetzt aber schnell! Dank des Kaffees renne ich mit 1,001facher Schallgeschwindigkeit ins Badezimmer und erleichtere mich erleichtert. Ein hastiger Blick auf die Uhr verrät mir nun, dass ich schon 10 Minuten hinter meinem Zeitplan bin und ich beginne tanzend und singend, das Haus zu verlassen. Essen richten, Kaffee trinken, Vorlesungsskripte einpacken, Kaffee trinken, Besteck einpacken, Kaffee trinken, Geldbeutel suchen, Kaffee trinken, Geldbeutel finden und Schlüssel suchen, Kaffee trinken. Energiegeladen werfe ich die Kaffeetasse quer durch den Raum vom Wohnzimmer in die Spülmaschine – und treffe; ich eile aus der Haustür und haste zu meinem Auto. Zum Anfahren nehme ich nicht den ersten sondern den sechsten Gang (das ist gelogen, es ist der Rückwärtsgang, aber wenn mein Auto einen sechsten Gang hätte, läge er auf dem Schalthebel an dieser Stelle). Alle lahmarschigen Autofahrer fahren natürlich vor mir und mit blutig gebissenen Nagelbetten erreiche ich den Bahnhof, springe quasi aus dem fahrenden Auto, das sich dann von selbst einparkt und mir den Schlüssel in die Tasche wirft und schlendere keuchend, aber meine Würde bewahrend, an den Bahnsteig.

Es knackt im Lautsprecher.

“Sehr geehrte Damen und Herren, IRE 2650 nach Basel, abfahrt 07:30 Uhr verzögert sich um 20 Minuten. Vielen Dank für Ihr Verständnis.”
 

Vielleicht sollte der Lokführer es mal mit Kaffee versuchen.

Flashbash
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